Recently I've been thinking retrospectively about legends and folklore and the remnants of its traditions in modern society. A lot of our pop-culture reflects these tales that have been passed on for centuries through poetry, song, word-of-mouth, art, music, literature, and especially, in our times, film & television. Legends of love found & lost like Tristan & Isolde or Romeo & Juliet. Stories of great men & women who fought for their rights & freedom like Martin Luther King & Helen Keller. Tales of great civilizations that help us to discover who we are by reflecting on our ancestors like Julius Caesar and Marie Antoinette. Or simply the lore of family such as portrayed in Little Women or the Sound of Music. Fairy tales about finding a sense of family in a non-traditional way are common like the classic tale of Snow White.
In our histories family and kinship are the one common thread. Regardless of land rights, religion, race, politics or sex. Family is there whether we like it or not. You can hate your family with every inch of your being but in the end you still love them. It is unexplainable how both love & hate can exist, at times, together. You cannot get away from what you came from and what shaped you no matter how hard you try.
As an adult I reflect a lot on familial bonds I see portrayed in media & literature. I grew up feeling my mother's family was much like the Sound of Music clan. Coincidentally, my entire maternal family can probably recite every song from that film. However, the one legend & tale that I always admire and can never relate to is one in which there is a loving & present father. My father has been a very loving man, at times, but his presence has been greatly missed in mine & my sister's life. And, the love that he had to give was not always portrayed consistently. You can't change how things happened and who people are. But I feel this is the secret that I bare for myself. Obviously it is evident to everyone that my parents are divorced and it was not pleasant. However, in our time people assume that divorce is normal & it is now a norm for a parent to be absent from a child's life, predominantly the father.
I'm not trying to complain about the lack of one parent. My parents have been wonderful at times and horrible in others. This is what I've always known. I was older than my years at 11. At 29 I still feel I have much to learn but also feel as if I have lived many different lives. I've come to realize that I became the patriarch of my family a long time ago. I was always the voice of reasoning or harsh judgment in my house. I can't help being this way with everyone now. I'm bossy and controlling at my worst. It can be good and bad in varying degrees. Being the patriarch means I have been my mother's companion & confidant at times. I have known every acute problem that occurs in adult lives even as a child. I used to either be told these things or was smart enough to snoop and find out. Being the patriarch means I protect my mother & sister at all costs. Even if I look like a raving lunatic and they don't agree with me. Even if it seems that I'm unreasonable and am looking out for only myself. I feel sometimes that I have been the parent since childhood in many situations.
Don't get me wrong I'm no angel. I was also a rebellious teen and made many wrong choices. No sainthood potential here. But I know without having children what it is to have a child. My sister has been my child as well as my parents'. I used to drag her behind me in the snow to school, make sure she brushed her teeth, make her lunch & dinner, scold her for her faults, protect her from bullies and always aid in decisions made about her life from a young age. Don't get me wrong I've also tried to kill her on many occasions. I was an only child for 4 years...I think I resented her presence for a very long time. And, because my mother & her have a special bond I was always the outsider in the threesome. They share hugs and affection more easily. I never have. C'est la vie. That's just me.
It's hard thinking of someone as your child and having them grow up and realizing you don't have any control over them. Worrying and yelling at them. This is my way. This is my love. What else can I say? Every success of hers is MY success. Every failure MINE to bare. She has been my responsibility for so long I forget that she's an adult and needs to find her own way sometimes. I say these words "you will find your own way" to myself & her...but in the end I can't let go. I don't love my sister as if she is my friend or even sibling. I realized that a long time ago. She is my child. I tried in my own crazy way to nurture her. To make her like me without realizing it.
I will never know what it is to have parents who stay married until death. So be it. I definitely don't want my parents to be together. But, I constantly wonder what it's like. Two parents & two children together in harmony. What would it have been like if I was just a child & a sister? Maybe I would have been worse off. But, my experiences are what have shaped me. My family has made me strong through weaknesses & hardships. It's mind boggling for me to see two parents and think about ever having that or knowing what it is like. I just don't understand it because I haven't really experienced it. I only know that my sister is probably the only person on this planet to truly understand me other than my husband. Yet, at the same time she resents how I treat her. One day, I hope she can see that I always had good intentions for her...she has been my secret love. The silent joy of my life. Mo cuishle...my darling. My blood.
In the end MY legend will not be my anger, strength or success...it will be her. She is MY legend and I am HERS.
