"Corrections"
I wrought in these manacles,
Writhing and squirming.
There's no escape
From this inferno.
It is not a journey of the sole.
Complacent and numb,
She ignores my words
And looks away.
She is battered and worn
Like a used bouquet,
Once thrown with great hope.
Resplendent blossoms,
Are now soiled with age.
Light dances through the iron,
And gleams on a puddle.
Only during their waltz
Can I see her face.
It is full of withered leaves,
Rotted to its core.
I wrote that for a beautiful girl I once knew. Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a faraway land. When we were both young and carefree. When she was the one I followed into the depths of hell at times & into the haven of escapism at others. She was forever lost in a haze of her own doing. The poem is about a woman in jail & her reaction upon getting a glimpse of her own reflection. Today the subject of my poem is no longer with us. Her story ends tragically with a leap from a balcony. All of the guilt I feel for turning my back on her is nothing. Nothing compared to the loss of a once beautiful, vibrant and hopeful life marred by drugs, violence & exploitation. Life is a slippery, winding slope of inexplicable moments. My reflections & reminiscing on the moments we shared brings me deep sadness. I once lived with her & we shared every moment of our lives together. I reared her children in the best way a 17 year old knew how. I later loathed what she represented because each time I looked at her I only saw the teenage version of myself that was so desperate for attention and love. I loved her as a sister once. I loved her children as my own. Today her life ended abruptly as in a great Shakesperean tragedy. Today I write about the loving woman that turned to all the wrong solutions to relieve herself of pain. The woman who was only a scared, little girl. The woman who only ever wanted a loving family to come home to & to be loved by one & all. She never achieved that single dream.
Today I write of a woman that I loved. . .to beg forgiveness for not saving her from the demons that haunted her to the very end.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Nichole Cherise Amyotte August 15, 1979 - April 16, 2011
This is beautiful and well written Ms. Anthropic. Spot on and insightful from someone who actually has been in the trenches with my precious godchild. Rest in heavenly peace, Sweet Godchild. I know together we will find the meaning and transcendence of your tragic time on this Earth Plane. I will miss you forever. Thank you Ms. Anthropic for giving me a space to release some of my grief, although it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. I too loved her and wish I could have saved her from the demons that haunted her to the very end. R.I.P. Aunty B & Uncle Bri
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an accurate description of my cousin's life and struggles. As Viv said you had to be there to be this REAL about Nixsy's life. As her Grandma, Aunties, cousins and I read this as we plan her memorial service we feel compelled and moved to have you join us to say goodbye to Nichole. Can you PLEASE contact me.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for words that are ringing so clearly in our HEARTS.
Russ
p.s. we all tried to save her from the demons and were unsuccesful, so PLEASE don,t shoulder the guilt, Nix would smile at your honesty and hug you as we will too.
Hi Russ, I'm honoured that all of you read it & that you would want me to join you at the memorial service. Thank you for your kind words. It still haunts me that her life was so intertwined with mine, that I was also once so lost & that her struggles could have easily been my own.
ReplyDeleteI have been in contact with Aunty B & will be attending the service.
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteI too lost my dearest friend to her own demons many years ago and still miss her to this day. I know there are no words for this loss but my thoughts and prayers are with you all. I'm sure Uncle Eric will take good care of "Chief" (how I remember Nichole as a baby) and that she's at peace now.
Love,
Nadine
P.S. I'm another cousin who lives in Alberta but never knew Nichole as I left Ontario when she was a baby. I remember her as a sweet happy thing and that's how she'll remain for me.
Hello All,
ReplyDeleteI'm a cousin in Ottawa and only saw Nicole a few years ago for the first time since she was a young child. She and Tash, my sister are the same age and Dan and I are very close in age so we were all friends as children but grew apart as we got older and our family moved to Ottawa. I am truly saddened by this news and offer my deepest condolences to those who were blessed to be a part of Nicole's life and have her a part of yours. I know Uncle Eric will take care of Nicole in Heaven and I truly hope that in time peace be with you all. In this tragedy we must bond together as only family can do to not only survive this but to move forward and live our lives to the fullest while relying on eachother to stay away from the darkness that stole Nicole from us.
Love,
Chris (Heeroo, for all the Heeroo's)
p.s. unfortunately we will not be able to attend the memorial or funeral service but our hearts go out to all of you...may Nicole rest in peace.
Thank you to all of you who have read this & told me how much it resonated with you. I didn't write it for anyone but myself but I'm glad that it can bring comfort to others & it can be a place for people to express themselves. I wrote this poem a few years ago when Nicole was going through a troubling time. The picture that I updated the blog with was sent to me by her in 2004.
ReplyDeleteWriting is my only creative outlet & my only solace in this world.